One thing I’ve noticed, both personally and professionally, is that many people seem stuck between wanting connection and feeling unsure of how to pursue it. We live in a world where it has never been easier to observe other people’s lives, friendships, and relationships without actually participating in them ourselves. We can scroll through photos, watch stories, read group chats, and quietly witness connections happening all around us while remaining on the outside.
The problem is that observing connection is not the same as experiencing it.
I often think of something I call social data. The real-world information we gather every time we interact with other people. Social data comes from conversations, invitations, awkward moments, shared laughter, rejection, acceptance, misunderstandings, and repair. Every interaction gives us information about ourselves, other people, and what connection is actually like. Many people spend a lot of time trying to figure out social situations in their head instead of gathering real-world data.
Maybe that looks like drafting a text you never send because you worry it will sound awkward. Maybe it’s declining an invitation because you assume you’ll feel uncomfortable. Maybe it’s staying quiet in a group because you’re afraid of saying the wrong thing.
When Your Mind Starts Filling in the Blanks
When we feel anxious, insecure, lonely, or self-conscious, our minds often try to protect us through imagination. We rehearse conversations, predict rejection, replay past interactions, and analyze how others might see us. It can feel productive – as if we’re preparing ourselves to get it right.
But imagination gives us predictions.
Participation gives us evidence.
And those are not the same thing.
Without new evidence, our fears can start to feel like facts.
We begin believing things like: I’m awkward. People probably don’t want me around. I’m boring. I don’t fit in. Over time, a lack of social data can quietly reinforce loneliness, self-doubt, and disconnection.
Confidence Doesn’t Come First
This is why waiting to feel confident before putting yourself out there often keeps people stuck.
Confidence usually doesn’t come first.
Confidence is built through participation.
It grows through repetition: surviving awkward moments, tolerating discomfort, learning from mistakes, and discovering that many social experiences are more manageable than we imagined. We cannot think our way into social confidence; we have to experience our way there.
Not every interaction will go well, and that’s okay. The goal isn’t perfect social performance. The goal is participation.
Gather New Data
Because every time you show up, you gather data.
You learn that awkward moments are survivable. You learn that not every pause means rejection. You learn that some people will understand you, enjoy you, and want to know you better. We need experiences that remind us we belong, that we matter, and that connection is possible
Most importantly, you give yourself the opportunity to discover something new.
So this month, my encouragement is simple: spend a little less time imagining and a little more time participating.
Send the text.
Ask the question.
Talk to the person in class.
Accept the invitation.
Stay five minutes longer than feels comfortable.
You may be surprised by what you learn.
Sophie Tiller, LCSW, works with teens and young adults with depression, OCD and anxiety disorders. She is the primary clinician for our Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) for OCD and anxiety and specializes in evidence-based treatment, including Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP).