Dear Kathryn,
I feel so much shame in parenting. I’m at the gym and I probably won’t go much next week since my daughter will be potty training. But I feel guilty dropping off my kid. And guilty that I love my breaks. I know intellectually that it’s okay, but not emotionally.
Sincerely,
Guilty Mom
Dear Guilty Mom:
First of all, holy crap you’re at the gym?! FANTASTIC. Double high five. I want you to know, that I think you’re an awesome person for taking care of your mind and body and being such a rocking example to your kids that you do this. Kids learn by observation and when they see mom taking care of herself? They are more likely to take care of themselves and also supportive of the people they love in their lives doing the same.
But you didn’t write because you care about what I think. You care about what you think. Or well, how you feel, anyhow.
Shame and Guilt
You said that you feel shame and that you feel guilt.
Brené Brown once said,
Guilt = I did something bad
Shame = I am bad
“I feel so much shame in parenting” = I am a bad parent.
“I feel guilty dropping off my kid” – Dropping off my kid is a bad thing to do.
Now, you mentioned that you understand “it” intellectually. And what I think you are implying is that you understand that having breaks from your kid is okay, and yet for some reason you are surprised that you feel guilty when you take those breaks.
So, I’m guessing that you would 100% agree with the following statements:
- It’s okay for mothers to spend time away from their children.
- Self-care is important.
- Going to the gym and letting my child play in the gym childcare doesn’t make me a bad parent.
And when you say that you don’t understand it emotionally, it seems that you are meaning that even though you have the thoughts above, you still experience feelings of guilt.
Where is the guilt coming from? How can you feel guilty when you “understand it intellectually?”
Our thoughts create our feelings
Well, surprise surprise, there might be some sneaky little thoughts of which you are unaware.
- It’s okay to take breaks from your kids, but I shouldn’t be over the moon excited with purple glitter cotton candy unicorn glee that I get spend an hour not parenting.
- It’s okay to take breaks from your kids, but I shouldn’t feel the extreme amount of relief when I walk away.
- It’s okay to be an independent person, but I shouldn’t like it.
What does it mean about you that you enjoy, look forward to, or crave being away from your kids? What kind of monster are you anyway?!
Stop should-ing on yourself
Are you should-ing yourself about your emotions? i.e.: I shouldn’t feel that way.
And… Why shouldn’t you feel that way???? Where did you get the idea that parents should want to be with their kids all the time? Where is this message coming from?
Are other parents sharing how sad they feel to get a break from their children?
Are other people coming up to you on the treadmill at the gym and saying “don’t worry dear, only 10 more minutes until you can reunite with your child and be back in the car with your whiny toddler. Stay strong!”
Are other parents saying “I was so lonely in the bathroom all by myself. Why don’t my kids interrupt my toilet time anymore?!”
Okay, I might be a little sarcastic here and I hope you are seeing through the silliness in these examples.
However, like… really take a step back and think about it. When did this message show up for you? When did the expectation begin about how you should feel around your children?
At what point in life did you believe that you would always have the constant desire to be around your children 24/7? When did this expectation arise?
Was it an assumption that you had, looking at others? Was it something someone else told you? Did you imagine the way you would feel as a parent and are you surprised by the true range of emotions that accompany parenting?
And for all the moments you feel relieved to be away from your kids, let’s not forget the other moments that exist. Like the times that you actually are enjoying being in their company. Do you have those feelings too sometimes? Like even for 2 seconds at a time? Yes? Okay then. So sometimes you want to be with your kids, and sometimes you don’t. And the times that you don’t, do not, in any way, erase the times that you indeed do dearly want to be with them. We are not all-or-nothing beings. Having one emotion at one time does not erase, discount, or nullify the moments in your life that have the opposite emotions. We’re allowed to have them all. It does not make us love a person any less. Love is an action.
You can’t like everyone all the time
Has there been anyone thus far in your life, that you feel you could spend all your waking hours with and never have a break? Maybe you felt this way about your spouse when you first met. But even these feelings don’t last. Because… people.are.annoying.
And kids? Kids can be whiny. They can be demanding. Kids require an enormous amount of your physical, emotional, and mental energy. You know this, intellectually, and yet deep in your brain there are judgmental thoughts about the emotions and feelings you have which then contribute to your sense of shame.
I’m exhausted, but I should be able to push through it.
I’m overloaded, but I should put my feelings side.
I don’t want to be touched anymore, but I should always want to be near my kids.
The first thoughts are those of your experience. The thoughts following it, are your judgement of your experience. Your “shoulds.”
When you should yourself about your feelings, you end up with logic like this:
Good parents feel sad or neutral to have breaks from their children.
Bad parents feel happy and relieved to have breaks from their children.
And because I feel relieved when I get a break from my child, I am therefore, a bad parent. (shame)
That’s a lot of B.S. soup if you ask me. Good and bad parenting behavior has absolutely NOTHING to do about how you feel. It has everything to do with your actions.
And, you’ve already agreed (see the beginning of this article) that actions such as self-care and exercise are good actions. We don’t have to debate over that.
Embrace your feelings
So, now it’s about shifting your perspective about completely understandable emotions for a parent to have. Welcoming that feeling of relief. Welcoming that feeling of freedom and longing to be away from your kids. Because honestly, it only makes perfect sense.
When you became a mom you didn’t suddenly stop being an individual. In fact, before you had children, did you enjoy alone time every once and awhile or did you want to be around people 24/7? If by chance you valued your alone time, why on earth should that have changed just because you birthed a human being? You didn’t throw out your individual needs, desires, relational style, and personal characteristics with the placenta at the hospital. And although our children may disagree, we aren’t living mom-robots. And who would want one of those anyway?
So, let’s all collectively take a step back and notice when we are “shoulding” ourselves about our feelings. Let’s validate that it makes complete and perfect sense why we feel this way. And let’s also make healthy choices in accordance with our values. Like, choosing to show our children that parents can practice healthy habits. You wouldn’t want your kids doing anything otherwise, right?
Now go on, and continue to be the rock star individual that clearly you are.
For more articles like this, check out An Open Letter to the Mother who is “So Done” at the End of the Day
Kathryn Tipton, LPC
Kathryn Tipton has passion for helping new and experienced moms break free from guilt, shame, and inner criticism. She fosters growth of self-love and compassion so that individuals can find greater joy and fulfillment in their every day lives. She utilizes Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and Self-Compassion practices in her sessions. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor with a Masters degree in Clinical Psychology. Her private practice is located in central Houston, in the Montrose district.
Distance is no barrier! For clients outside of Houston (but residents of Texas), Kathryn conducts telehealth (online/web video) sessions. Contact her today kathryn@hcfvl.com or by phone 713.259.9049.
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