Dear Kathryn,
I am a stay at home mom. I pour myself out all day to meet the needs of my little kiddos. So by the time my husband come home at night, I have no energy left for him. How can I balance my need to practice self-care and his need to spend time with me?
Sincerely,
Drained-at-Home-Mom
Dear Drained-At-Home-Mom
You don’t hear this enough. Being around small children, is draining. It’s totally draining (for most). It makes complete and perfect sense to me why you might be struggling with this.
It also kind of sounds like you are asking me this question:
I have one pie and all day I dish out pieces of my pie to meet the needs of my hungry children and other hungry people in my life. By the end of the day, I’m hungry for a slice and so is my husband but I only have one left. [and I think there might be some hidden subtext here: And I feel like I should have two slices available and I’m angry at myself that I don’t] What do I do?
Okay, so the cognitive behavioral therapist in me is like, YEAH let’s attack this problem and solve it!
Solution A: Alternate your pie giving
True balance. You only have so many slices of pie. Why not set up a schedule on who gets the slices? Mon/Wed/Fri you get to eat the slice at the end of the day. Tues/Thurs/Sat your husband gets the slice. Sunday – toss up. If you know in your mind that hey, tomorrow night, I’ll be able to rest and recharge, it might change your perspective on spending time with your husband. It also might be an appropriate compromise that your husband can support.
I always help clients work to share these plans with their loved ones by framing it in ways that makes their loved one feel wanted and supported so as to increase the odds that their partner will understand and back the plan.
How not to say it:
“GET OUT OF MY FACE” I mean, it might feel good in the moment but it doesn’t always help us or improve our relationships.
A better way to say it:
“It’s really important to me to be totally present when I am with you, and really be with you mentally, emotionally, and physically. When I’m totally drained, I feel like I’m just a shell of a person and I’m not being the partner I want to be then. In order for me to be my best when I’m with you, I have found I need some “recharge” nights. The way I recharge is with time alone. I’d like to take every other night to recharge. That way, on the other nights I can really give you the undivided attention that I want to.”
Choose your own way of saying it with the key messages of connecting with the love you have for your spouse, acknowledging your feelings and setting boundaries in a respectful manner.
Solution B: Conserve your pie
Give less of your pie out during the day, so you have more left at the end. Where are some areas during your day that you could save a little pie or even bake a little extra? What are the specific things that happen during the day with your kids that seem to take the most slices? Is there anything in there that you can modify or reduce so that you feel less worn out at the end of the day? i.e.: ways to recharge.
But, we have to be realistic about this, right? In order to find ways to recharge during the day, it will likely require sacrificing the “do it all” mentality. And, if you’re a perfectionist, it might be not doing everything perfectly either. Maybe your kids get fast food so you don’t have to cook. Maybe your kids get more screen time, or engaging in some task that keeps them “busier” longer so you have a little extra time. It might mean, putting off the laundry or house work, etc. You probably know, deep down, some places that you could be more flexible and could conserve your pie, but there may be some beliefs that you have getting in the way of you trying them out.
Being a Mom is Hard
Then, there is the compassion focused, radical self-acceptance therapist in me that says, hey. All that above? It’s great and all but what if it’s not a solution? What if it can’t work all the time? What if this isn’t a puzzle where all the pieces fit together all of the time? Who is perpetuating this myth of balance in motherhood, or even in life?
These are the tough years. The seriously difficult unbalanced years. There’s certainly no contract that you get to sign when you birth your kids agreeing that your life is going to be balanced. Many mommy blogs and Pinterest inspirational images want to have us believe that if we just do X or Y then we’ll have it all figured out with our ducks in a row. However, there is not a way to have it all and be all things to others and all things to ourselves.
Because “all” is honestly, just a moment in time.
“All” is fleeting.
“All” is like that moment when your toddler stacks the last block at the highest point of their wobbling block tower and for just that second… it balances, before it tumbles all over the floor.
And you have a choice in that moment. What kind of toddler are you? The kind who stomps in frustration or cries broken-hearted that no matter how hard you try you can’t get all the blocks stacked up at the same time? Or will you be the toddler who laughs as they come tumbling down- excited to re-stack because the game is fun for fun’s sake. It’s not about getting them all stacked perfectly. It’s the fun in stacking.
You might have, for one day, a day where it just all goes as planned and it’s like yeah, see, this is easy. When I follow this specific routine, put coconut oil in my coffee, or fold my clothes like Marie Kondo, the clouds part and I feel fantastic!SEE. I CAN HAVE BALANCE!
But then there will be days when you do all of that, yet for some reason there is still a dark rain cloud above your head. You do all that, but your kids for whatever reason have rough days. You’re exhausted. It sucks all your energy away. You still just want to retreat under the covers of your bed.
You can’t do it all
We’re human beings. We’re allowed to not be the perfect wife, mom, friend, employee, or self-care taker. I mean, seriously. What did people do before we had access to all this information telling us how Pinterest, Self-Help books, Blog articles, Instagram, FB, tv shows, magazines, and podcasts to be better at everything? And maybe you’re not buying in to all of that, but again something is in your mind saying I’m giving all of myself and there’s nothing left.
I think the airlines said it best when they said “put your oxygen mask on first, then help the person next to you.” If you never recharge, your husband won’t have a wife to hang out with after the kids go to bed. Your body might be present, but your mind won’t be. The person he truly loves and wants to be spend time with, won’t be there. Your crabby, resentful, tired self will be around.
There is no black and white system to set up for how to do this. In fact, the most rigid and inflexible of systems are often set up for failure. They work fantastic when everything is going to plan, but the minute there’s an unplanned shift, they can’t compute. Like “option A (alternate your pie giving).” Looks like a good plan right? But it’s not always going to work. Because life’s challenges aren’t divided into even and predictable pie slices. Some days something may take half your pie in one swoop. You didn’t plan for that.
Not to switch metaphors so abruptly, but you know sometimes plants need a little more water. It’s a hotter day. The ground is drier. The sun is unrelenting. You wouldn’t chastise the plant for that would you? No, you’d say, hey little plant, it’s not your fault. It’s hot out here today. It makes sense that you need some more water and I’m going to do my best to give it to you, because you are worthy of it. You can’t be enjoyed by anyone if you’re all wilted.
Flexibility is Key
So with that said, I think the single most important way to “balance” your need for self-care is to be aware of your state of being. Balance is adaptive and flexible. If you’ve ever stood on a balance ball, it doesn’t work well if your legs are locked straight. You’ve got to bend, and move, and constantly shift to stay balanced. As discussed earlier, balance is not a permanent state. It’s ever changing.
Adaptability and flexibility requires giving yourself grace. Letting go of unhelpful rules in your mind. And knowing that “break of the rules” today, doesn’t mean you’ll have to “break the rules” tomorrow. Letting go of the unhelpful beliefs that the children and adults in our lives are going to willingly let us engage in self-care without putting up a fuss. We have to take a stand that we’re going to stand up for our own mental health so that we can be better parents, partners, friends, employees to the people and places that we care about.
Kathryn Tipton, LPC
Kathryn Tipton has passion for helping new and experienced moms break free from guilt, shame, and inner criticism. She fosters growth of self-love and compassion so that individuals can find greater joy and fulfillment in their every day lives. She utilizes Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and Self-Compassion practices in her sessions. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor with a Masters degree in Clinical Psychology. Her private practice is located in central Houston, in the Montrose district.
Distance is no barrier! For clients outside of Houston (but residents of Texas), Kathryn conducts telehealth (online/web video) sessions. Contact her today kathryn@hcfvl.com or by phone 713.259.9049.
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