You’ve probably heard some version of it.
“Enjoy every moment!”
“At least the baby is healthy.”
“It goes by so fast.”
“Be grateful—you’re so lucky!”
These phrases are usually well-intentioned. Most people offering them think they’re being supportive. But for new moms in the thick of sleep deprivation, healing bodies, hormonal chaos, identity loss, and emotional upheaval, they often land with a thud—or worse, with a sharp sting.
Let’s talk about why.
What Is Toxic Positivity?
Toxic positivity is the idea that we should only focus on the bright side, no matter how hard things are. It’s the pressure to “stay positive,” to suppress discomfort, to push gratitude in the face of grief, and to minimize real emotional pain with upbeat slogans.
It often sounds like:
- “It could be worse.”
- “Just think positive.”
- “Everything happens for a reason.”
- “Other people have it harder.”
And in motherhood, it gets dialed up to 11. Because there’s a deep cultural myth that mothers should be grateful and fulfilled all the time—and if you’re not, something must be wrong with you.
Why It’s a Problem for New Moms
The postpartum period is already full of confusing emotions: love, fear, anxiety, rage, sadness, joy, numbness. Sometimes all in the same hour. But when toxic positivity creeps in, it sends a harmful message:
Your hard feelings are invalid.
You’re not allowed to struggle.
You’re doing motherhood wrong if you’re not blissed out.
This leads to what I see often in my therapy practice:
- Moms who feel guilty for being sad or overwhelmed.
- Moms who hide their intrusive thoughts or anxiety because they fear being judged.
- Moms who feel deeply alone—even when surrounded by support.
And here’s the twist: when we don’t make space for the hard stuff, we also shut ourselves off from the good stuff.
Why Making Room for the Hard Invites the Good
It might seem counterintuitive, but allowing yourself to say “this is really hard” actually makes you more open to moments of joy, connection, and peace. When we name and allow our pain—without judgment—we create more psychological flexibility. We’re not stuffing it down or spinning in guilt. We’re simply honoring the full, messy, human experience of motherhood.
That emotional space is what lets the light in.
This is something I wrote about in my blog post on clean vs. dirty pain: clean pain is the normal discomfort that comes with life—like grief, exhaustion, frustration. But when we judge ourselves for it, tell ourselves we shouldn’t feel it, or try to cover it up with positivity? That’s when it turns into dirty pain. Guilt. Shame. Self-doubt.
Letting yourself feel the hard stuff, without trying to shove it away or wrap it in a bow, actually prevents unnecessary suffering. You’re not “wallowing”—you’re processing.
It’s Also Not About Encouraging Toxic Negativity
Let’s be clear: this isn’t about swinging to the other extreme.
Being in a space where everyone is constantly venting, criticizing their partners, complaining about motherhood 24/7, or engaging in hopeless storytelling? That’s not freeing either. That kind of nonstop negativity can feel draining, disempowering, and even contagious. It doesn’t leave much room for hope or optimism.
What actually helps is balance.
Supportive spaces—whether with friends, family, a therapist, or a postpartum group—allow you to be honest without spiraling. They allow you to say “this is hard” without someone trying to fix you or pull you deeper into the mud. It’s that middle space where healing happens.
What Real Support Sounds Like
Instead of forcing silver linings, real support says:
✨ “This is hard, and you’re not alone.”
✨ “You’re allowed to feel what you’re feeling.”
✨ “I’m here to listen without trying to fix it.”
✨ “You’re a good mom even on your hardest days.”
Validation doesn’t erase the hard stuff—but it makes room for healing. It opens the door for honest conversations, appropriate treatment when needed, and genuine connection.
If You’re a Mom Reading This…
You don’t need to sugarcoat your struggle. You don’t need to perform gratitude if you’re running on fumes. You don’t have to be “positive” to be a loving, incredible mother.
You get to be messy and raw and human.
You get to say the hard things.
And in doing so, you’re making space for the good ones too.
Looking for a Space Where All Feelings Are Welcome?
If you’re craving connection with other moms who get it—the joy, the mess, the overwhelm, and everything in between—you’re warmly invited to join my free postpartum support group. We meet twice a month on Zoom, and it’s a judgment-free space where all experiences are valid. Whether you’re struggling, thriving, or somewhere in the middle, you’re welcome just as you are.
Click here to learn more and join us.
Kathryn Tipton, MA, LPC, PMH-C, is a licensed therapist and co-founder of The Houston Center for Valued Living. She specializes in reproductive mental health, insomnia, and anxiety treatment, helping clients navigate life’s hardest moments with clarity, compassion, and evidence-based tools.