Shame? Mom Guilt? Criticism?
Moms- Are you hard on yourself? Do you feel overwhelmed?
Your mind is just doing its thing, but you’ve got access to a super power that you may not know about. I want to tell you how you can access this super power to help you let go of shame, judgement, and criticism.
This is me:
It shows me, with lots of make-up, good lighting, a talented photographer with a great angle, and new clothes for myself and my son. What this picture doesn’t show is that my 5 year old had to be carried out of the studio kicking, screaming, and spitting. It doesn’t show that I’m sweating. It doesn’t show that my smile is forced and I’m stressed and upset that my family isn’t “cooperating.”
This is also me:
It shows me finishing off my morning coffee after a rough night of being up with the little one. Hair in the mom bun. Dark circles under my eyes. Surrounding me is a house that is littered with things completely out of its place. It doesn’t show me rocking my son back to sleep at midnight and enjoying every second of the snuggles. It doesn’t show the feeling I get when I hug my 5 year old when I say goodbye at the school drop off.
Which one do you think I posted on FB?
What pictures do you share and post with others?
Of course most of us share the beautiful, monumental photos full of smiles. And that’s OK! Just like how it’s okay for us to put on nice clothes for work or for a party. There is nothing wrong with presenting your best self to the world. The problem comes though, when we internalize everyone else’s “best self” as their “always self,” and then judge our own selves for not measuring up.
Our brains are judgement machines
Our brains judge and compare EVERYTHING. See if it isn’t so right now. As you’re reading my words is your brain saying yeah she’s right, no she’s an idiot, this post is useful, this post is stupid. Go ahead and look up from your screen and look around wherever you are at. Is there anything around you that you can’t judge or have an opinion about? I like that lamp; I don’t like that couch. This song is okay. That’s an ugly painting. That’s a dirty car. That’s a stylish purse.
Yeah, your brain… it’s judging everything, all. the. time. So why should your brain treat you any differently? You’re not immune from its automatic comparisons and judgement. In fact, you’re center stage.
For the past 5 years I have run a Facebook group for moms. It’s an unofficial support group of sorts. It’s where the moms let down their guard and are real with one another, as well as real in their compassion for each other. I’ve gained tremendous insight into the struggles that unite all us moms. I’ve also seen how quick we are to be hard on ourselves.
Let’s do an experiment
If you are a mom to a small child, I want you to imagine the following scenario. You are stressed out. Your kid is acting like a nut. And for lunch, you give your child a hot dog and some Cheetos. Then, for dinner, you give that same child a corn dog. And you’re the type of mom who wants to provide balanced meals for your kid and you know it’s important that your child eats their fruits and veggies. Got it?
Now, I want you to imagine your internal dialog. What are you saying to yourself about this day (success vs failure)? What are you saying to yourself about your worthiness as a mother (you’re awesome vs you suck)? How are you treating yourself (kind vs harsh)?
If you answered…. It was a failure, I suck as a mom, and I can’t believe I can’t seem to get it together or feed my kid one decent thing…….. then congratulations, your brain is doing what so many others’ brains are doing as well: beating yourself up; judging yourself and comparing yourself to expectations and standards that no one can meet 100% of the time.
Now, how would you have responded to your friend if she had shared the same scenario with you? Would you have said “wow, you’re an awful mom. I can’t believe you did that. What’s wrong with you?”
NO. GOODNESS NO.
Well that scenario above, is a real life scenario. Below is actual dialog from one of the recent posts in this FB group.
Mom 1: I may or may not have given my two year old a hot dog for lunch and then a corn dog for dinner. It’s been one of those days…
Mom 2: She was fed! Good job!
Mom 3: More meat than my son has eaten all year!
Mom 4: I may or may not have given my two year old doughnut holes with her breakfast and a small cupcake with her dinner, feel better??
Mom 4: My kid had a strawberry roll for breakfast and a cookie with her Mac and cheese.
Mom 5: Lord. Food wars are the worst. Sometimes I am just happy my kid eats something!!!
Mom 6: My son ate mini-wheats and teddy grahams for breakfast and half a doughnut for second breakfast…
Imagine, for one moment, if you could respond to yourself in the same compassionate way that these women above responded to the first mom. Acknowledgement, common humanity, and kindness.
Acknowledgement:
The other moms acknowledge her struggle. Food wars are hard. Essentially, parenting is hard.
Common humanity:
The other moms let her know that she wasn’t alone in this. So many other moms go through this every single day. She’s not an exception. She’s not a failure. She’s a normal person experiencing normal human things.
Kindness:
They said “good job” and though maybe not directly, were saying it’s okay, you’re good enough, we’re sorry you’re going through this.
These are the three steps of self-compassion (you can read more about self-compassion here). When we show compassion to others we see them, we identify with them, and we are kind to them.
When we show self-compassion to ourselves, we see our suffering, we remind ourselves that others are suffering like us, and we are kind to ourselves about our suffering.
The judgments aren’t the problem
So, your judgy brain is doing what it’s supposed to be doing. Fantastic. Now though, it’s your turn to choose in that moment how you want to treat yourself. Do you want to walk around taking that kind of B.S. or could there be another voice in there you could conjure up?
When your life isn’t going how you hoped it would. When your child isn’t behaving the way you expected them to. When your relationship feels like it’s falling apart. When you look in the closet and see the jeans you can’t fit into. When you drop the ball and forget something.
Slow down and check your inner critic. Wave to it. Hey judgy mind. You’re on a roll today.
Then acknowledge your struggle. This is hard right now. I’m feeling overwhelmed right now. I’m struggling right now.
Then connect to your common humanity. Yeah, this is a part of being a mom. This is part of being human. There are probably hundreds of other mothers this morning whose toddler slapped them in the face with a waffle and spit their strawberries out all over their clean shirt. We’re all in this together.
Finally, express your deep wish for happiness. I’m sorry your day is starting out like this. I really hope it gets better. You’re a good person who deserves wonderful moments. It’s going to be okay.
Self-compassion is like a hidden super power. You can activate it at any time. If you’d like to learn more about building self-compassion or handling the insanity of being a mom, reach out or schedule an appointment with us at Houston Center for Valued Living.
Kathryn Tipton, M.A., LPC
Kathryn Tipton has passion for helping new and experienced moms break free from guilt, shame, and inner criticism. She fosters growth of self-love and compassion so that individuals can find greater joy and fulfillment in their every day lives. She utilizes Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and Self-Compassion practices in her sessions. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor with a Masters degree in Clinical Psychology. Her private practice is located in central Houston, in the Montrose district.
Distance is no barrier! For clients outside of Houston (but residents of Texas), Kathryn conducts telehealth (online/web video) sessions. Contact her today kathryn@hcfvl.com or by phone 713.259.9049.